I wonder if you know how loved you are?
That I would climb high mountains, pleasing you
To show you just how much I care. A star
That shines to guide me through things. I accrue
A lifelong debt. Beholden to you, for
Stern guidance. Shelter from the many shards
Of glass that rain on me. Say, Is there more
That one could do? My soul a house of cards;
Just fragile. Always understood by you
The time you take just to be very fair.
Upon your shoulders carried me, saw through
The pain. I want a chance to show I’m care.
The sum is; buried deep that I’m so glad
For all the love you had to give me Dad.
The locked door
-
*My name is charol.I am going to tell you about a mistake I made,which
probaly i will regret throughout all my life.Firstly I live with my mum
sara.She is ...
3 weeks ago
4 comments:
I really like this sonnet Chocaholic, I get a strong sense of emotion through the images you present; good work! It shows how much you've progressed that you can work within the rigid structural rules and still use so many images and say what you want to say.
I like that you've opened with a question and that you use the rest of the sonnet to answer this question, that's nice structure.
You've gone for 'intermediate', I'm pleased that you're aiming higher than you did on the last task, and I think you've done well, keep up the good work!
You've used caesura and enambement extensively and it mostly works, just take care to read everything through to double check. One line I'm not sure about is 'Always understood by you/The time you take just to be very fair.' I feel like there should be some punctuation after 'you' to split the two clauses.
I think that you could do more to exploit the octave/sestet split; in this sonnet it doens't feel like you have at all, and this could be something to work on for next time. But otherwise, I'm impressed and you should be pleased with yourself!
Hi Chocoholic, good effort here.
You've managed to get every line to have 10 syllables, and your iambic rhythm is pretty good for the most part. There are very few places where it didn't quite work - 'TO you' is an example of this in line 5. However, you do show skill in applying the iambic rhythm to polysyllabic words, such as 'understood'.
My main problem with this piece is the way it is written, and the way it flows. It is quite confusing, and often it seems as though words have been added in just to fit the structure, rather than because they need to be there. An example of this is 'Say, Is there more...'. You have left 'Is' capitalized, which suggests to me that you added in 'Say' afterwards to fit with the rhythm, and forgot to change the 'I' to lowercase. Another example is with the phrase 'to be very fair'. Again, I suspect that 'very' is just there to fit in with the structure. I don't think there is such a thing as to be 'very fair'; the concept of 'fair' is pretty standardised: you are either fair or you are not.
I would urge you to write your poem out as a piece of prose, and read it through. Does it make sense?
I wonder if you know how loved you are? That I would climb high mountains, pleasing you to show you just how much I care. A star that shines to guide me through things. I accrue a lifelong debt. Beholden to you, for stern guidance. Shelter from the many shards of glass that rain on me. Say, Is there more that one could do? My soul a house of cards; just fragile. Always understood by you the time you take just to be very fair. Upon your shoulders carried me, saw through the pain. I want a chance to show I’m care. The sum is; buried deep that I’m so glad for all the love you had to give me Dad.
The poem is full of fragments that require the reader to apply them to either the narrator or the subject the narrator is talking about. The odd 'you' placed within these fragments would help make it make sense: e.g. 'You are a star that shines to guide me through things.' Of course, you would then have to think about the sonnet structure again.
'I'm care' I am assuming is a typo. It just doesn't make sense.
The last few lines don't quite make sense either. 'The sum is; buried deep that I’m so glad for all the love you had to give me Dad.' A semi-colon is used to seperate two very closely linked independent clauses (or two closely linked sentences). 'The sum is' is not an independent clause. Perhaps you mean to use a colon? I would argue that you don't need punctuation there at all. Then again, I can't be sure because I can't make sense of the sentence. 'Buried deep that I'm so glad' - what does that mean? 'I’m so glad for all the love you had to give me Dad' does make sense, it is just the words proceeding it that don't sound right. Also, you need a comma before 'Dad'.
I liked the twist at the end of this poem that you are talking about a father/child relationship rather than a lovers' relationship. However, I think it would work pretty well if you gave this piece a title that hints more towards the family love rather than erotic love, otherwise the twist becomes a little bit jaded in the mind of the reader.
'Shelter from the many shards
Of glass that rain on me' is a good image. As is the fagility of the 'house of cards'. Although the 'house of cards' image is a little unoriginal, it works well in the context of the poem because it connotates playing games, something a father and his child might do together. 'Your shoulders carried me' is again another good example of that, as it both suggests support, and the shoulder-carries a child might get from a parent. Perhaps you could try exploring this kind of imagery further to help convey the relationship.
As Frankie suggested, next time perhaps you could try to make the octave/sestet split a little more obvious. I don't know if you attempted it here, but I can't really see it.
I think your previous poem was stronger overall, but you definetely have a firm grasp on what makes a sonnet. I believe you have great potential in you, and you are just a hair-width away from reaching it.
Hi,
Sorry that this somes to you late - I can only appologise. I'm impressed with the amount of feedback you have already though - there're some great pointers there.
I wanted to talk about some of your imagery. I think that you've shown some great nuggets of figurative language in this piece, like rain as shards of glass or 'My soul a house of cards.' I wouldn't want you to labour an image - talk about rain for a whole poem for example - but I do think that sometimes you could follow your own logic more to make the piece more effective.
Thinking of my own - limited - experience of writing poetry, sometimes the lines you write the first time you have a go at your piece, especially when sticking to a rythm, can operate as shorthand for something bigger you were getting at.
I'd advise going back over your poem, not by any means to change all of it, cos I liked it a lot, but to think about where thoughts could be extended. So could the house of cards be taken futher - did you want to convey that you're not just fragile, but complicated, sticking together, knowing that one part of you is as important as the next - are there parts of you that could fall away without it mattering?
That's taking it pretty far, and I wouldn't want you to get hung up on it this time, but for your next poem, think about how far an image can be taken, and how far you need to take it.
Hope that's useful - the main thing is, you should be really proud of your improvement as a poet - I enjoyed this even more than the last piece.
Take care,
Andy
I really thought I had commented on this already, and I apologise profusely that I clearly have not done so. Do not for a minute doubt my commitment to your moderation; just my ageing brain!
Anyway…
As for your rhyme, it is strong and consistent, although, like shiningstar and eternity.forever, you could have experimented with softer end-rhymes. Your caesura is spot on, although you need to be careful with your enjambement that your end feet/syllables are strong enough to fulfil that role: most of the time they do, but I am not convinced that is the case in Line 5.
I’ll be picky (don’t you just hate English teachers!), but here goes: You really need a question mark after “care” in Line 3. (Sorry!)
Now this next section is fascinating, and let me offer some detailed guidance, which is largely surrounding syntax:
“A star
That shines to guide me through things. I accrue
A lifelong debt. Beholden to you, for
Stern guidance. Shelter from the many shards
Of glass that rain on me.”
Essentially, this needs to be one sentence, and the poem would work much better as a result. How about:
“To show how much I care. For your sweet star
That shines to guide me through things, I accrue
A lifelong debt, beholden to you for
Stern guidance; shelter from the many shards
Of glass that rain on me”
Do you see how I have played simply with syntax to create a much stronger effect. I think I would swap “things” for something stronger, but then that would upset your meter. So why not go for “guide me homewards” instead? Also, I would make the shards metaphorical, and swap “glass” for something else instead: “stress”, “pain”, “fear” – up to you really. But that’s just me… :)
Syntax also leads me to alter the next few lines:
“Say, Is there more
That one could do? My soul a house of cards;
Just fragile. Always understood by you
The time you take just to be very fair.
Upon your shoulders carried me, saw through
The pain.”
Firstly, I’d swap the impersonal “one” for the far more apt “I”. Then I’d combine your fragments as follows: “My soul a house of cards, / So fragile and yet understood by you, / Each time that you endeavour to be fair; / Upon your shoulders carry me; cut through / The pain.”
Do you see what I have done and why I have done it? Ask if you are unsure; my reasons are FAR more important than the changes themselves, in order that you can improve still further next time.
I am sure you are aware of the “I’m/I) slip in Line 12, so I won’t mention that. (Ooops – I just have!)
Your final couplet troubles me somehow:
“The sum is; buried deep that I’m so glad
For all the love you had to give me Dad.”
Firstly, I think the semi colon is either redundant or should be replaced by a colon. But also the mention that whatever it is is buried deep suggests it is something of which to be ashamed rather than proud. And the final line – to be blunt – sounds too much like a tacky greetings card to do justice to your incontrovertible poetic skill and flair.
So, all in all, this is actually fantastic writing, and all it needs is a slightly altered syntax and a less cliched conclusion and you’d be approaching true excellence! :) Feel free to ask for clarification on anything I’ve said. I can’t wait for your next offering!
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