tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post4591498356134860009..comments2011-04-21T21:24:27.352+01:00Comments on wordvoodoo: Home is where the Heart isenglishguruhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15025638700691896951noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post-23121191086816675382011-01-30T15:49:14.366+00:002011-01-30T15:49:14.366+00:00Hi lookingforneverland,
You are going to need to ...Hi lookingforneverland,<br /><br />You are going to need to practice this meter, and Frances' advice to read aloud and tap fingers is excellent. Read as a whole, the poem jerks my ear up and down left backwards..... However, read aloud your third line.<br /><br />"The water is cold and I feel in complete." While the missing foot hurts the poem's overall rhythm, the line itself:<br /><br />the WA-ter is COLD and i FEEL incomPLETE<br /><br />is lovely. It's a different meter from iambic, but it is a meter, a rhythm and makes the line flow.<br /><br />The couplet<br /><br />"The sky will remain<br />Through every rain."<br /><br />Is poignant, philosophical and quite beautiful. It's an important idea. Thanks.<br /><br /><br />michaelmichaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263817205551688443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post-77271835645259885592011-01-27T00:27:36.806+00:002011-01-27T00:27:36.806+00:00Hello,
I'll concentrate on the structure for ...Hello,<br /><br />I'll concentrate on the structure for my comment, as I feel that's important for feeding into the next task.<br />As Mr Savage specified, your poem should have 10, 8, 6, 4, then 2 syllables. Unfortunately, you don't always have the correct number in your lines. Your first couplet is great, ten in each, but your second goes from 7 to 11, when it should be 8, and there are several more irregularities throughout the poem. If you struggle to keep count, try tapping your fingers on the desk.<br />This will help with tackling the stresses too. The stresses should be unstressed, then stressed like this -/-/-/-/-/. The stresses can be used to really emphasise the words you think are important, and help the poem flow. Words naturally have a rhythm, and this should fit with the iambic meter. I'll use line 2 as an example. Isolate 'paradise' and say it aloud. The first syllable is stressed, and doesn't fit with pa-RA-dise as you've placed it. In the same line, however, you have 'STRANGE-ly COLD' which fits really well. The reader knows that it is both strange and cold, super.<br />You've also done really well with the rhyme scheme too, so with a bit more counting and editing, I think you're well on the way to writing a sonnet. Good luck!<br /><br />FrancesFranceshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01351181060140740366noreply@blogger.com