tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post6562843021556785537..comments2011-04-21T21:24:27.352+01:00Comments on wordvoodoo: Final Dreamenglishguruhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15025638700691896951noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post-12211122398572043292010-11-30T18:54:45.235+00:002010-11-30T18:54:45.235+00:00Thank you very much for those two comments. I was ...Thank you very much for those two comments. I was very glad to hear that this was a very good piece as it is sometimes quite hard for me to judge my own pieces, though I know stories like this are my strength, especially compared to poetry.<br /><br />I will take those comments into consideration for my next task, as far as possible. I see the problem with 'Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep.' Even through I read through the story a few times I did not notice the problem there!<br /><br />I have never read anything by David Almond, but since I am looking for books at the moment anyway, I will take a look at that for sure.<br /><br />Thank you again!Sydneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10062098051686823938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post-65594800052379674852010-11-29T20:58:52.535+00:002010-11-29T20:58:52.535+00:00Hi Sydney,
That's a beautiful piece of writin...Hi Sydney,<br /><br />That's a beautiful piece of writing. I'm thoroughly impressed by your control, the vividness of your desciptions, and the way to seem to guage a reader's response to the story - that's alone a very special talent. <br /><br />I loved the linking of images, like the empty stomach and the empty snare, and, similarly, the linking of the ending to the begining. You have a way of writing that evokes feelings through its connections - it's not something I could instruct you on, and I definately wouldn't want you to overthink connections in your work, but I hope you're very proud of what you've achieved with this. <br /><br />The dream sequence felt right, which is good to see - often dream sequences go to far into fantasty or obvious representation - hitting that point where readers feel they're being manipulated and put the book down (or close the browser window - but yours felt like a dream, which is great, and had some powerful, lasting images in it too. <br /><br />Sarah's already given you some great stuff to consider there - it's good not to overwrite, as she said - and you could also watch the tesne shifting in this instance 'Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep.'<br /><br />But aside from that there's really nothing for me to do except register my admiration of your work here. Well done. I can't wait to read what you do next,<br /><br />AndyAndy Parrotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837804597195428906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8028607259735637511.post-81207343659843468872010-11-25T16:46:23.147+00:002010-11-25T16:46:23.147+00:00Hi Sydney,
I can see that I was right to be excit...Hi Sydney,<br /><br />I can see that I was right to be excited about reading more of your work, as this is some seriously promising writing. The thing I most admire about it is that you have an incredible clarity of place: there’s a real physicality to the story-world you create. I can see the grizzly sight of ‘the frost… feeding itself’ on the narrator’s toes, that deer skin pouch, that creeping fog. Your use of concrete, specific details makes this world feel real – I can almost reach out and touch it – and so, as a reader, I am more than willing to immerse myself in it. I particularly admire this quality as in the couple of years I’ve been moderating secondary schoolers’ creative writing one of the most frequent criticisms I’ve had to make is that the work produced is too abstract, too vague, with too little a sense of place. Very, very well done on your avoidance of this. On a side-note, the feel of your landscape reminded me of the work of David Almond. Have you ever read him? If not, I recommend you do so – he’s a fantastic author!<br /><br />There are some lovely turns of phrase here. The whole third paragraph is strong, but ‘At least some drink! It gave me just enough energy to fall asleep’ is a brilliant ending, subtly <i>showing</i> (not telling) the reader just how exhausted the narrator is. ‘Everything that ever passed through my eyes repeated itself in front of me’ is a very elegant way of stating “my life flashed before my eyes”: you have a good way with putting a new twist on cliché.<br /><br />However, because your writing is generally so clear and precise, it makes the imprecise patches stand out. I’ll just pick out a few examples, if that’s okay. ‘Fog… which <i>let</i> the air seem more unpleasant’? I think ‘made’ would be stronger. ‘Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep’ is vague – what ‘corner’ is it these creatures could be poking their heads around? Then, in the second paragraph, there’s a cliché (‘in the blink of an eye’), and a few instances of overwriting: ‘my hair was a lion’s mane’ is so good that it stands alone, rendering ‘fierce’ and ‘not washed for long’ unnecessary lexical clutter, ‘the void of nothingness’ is a little over the top, and ‘dubious… smoke’ seemed like a misuse of language, to me. In the future, look out for <b>imprecision</b> and for when lyrical writing turns into <b>overwriting</b>.<br /><br />I can’t really make any big, overarching criticisms of this, though, as it is a very impressive work. Keep doing what you’re doing!sechristiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047588798156975173noreply@blogger.com