Sunday, 10 October 2010

At the Park

Today I went to the park with Jessie. It was a beautiful Spring day. Children were playing happily and the sounds of laughter and birds echoed through the park. We lay on the lush green grass under the warm sun. Her golden hair glistening in the rays of the sun, I couldn´t help but reach out to stroke it. Sharing the food from the picnic basket, we watched as squirrels ran back and forth from the trees. My heart was full, this was perfection.
Jessie felt the same as she promptly licked me excitedly and then pushed the ball towards me.

1 comment:

  1. Well you have a clever narrative device at play here, in that you are hooking the reader towards one conclusion, which you destroy with the surprise of the final sentence. So well done on that. Your prose is also, generally, nice and tight - although the comma is misused in the penultimate sentence, so be careful of that.

    However, I am not convinced by the overall effect of the piece. So we think, at first, the narrator is with their lover, but then find out they are with their dog. But, other than a little trick on the reader, is this saying something more? Or are you, as it seems to me, just trying to trick your reader a bit? If it is purely the latter, this would afford the piece little depth.

    I am not being overly critical. As I said, I like your prose style, and it has potential. Just be careful to ensure there is depth and dimension to your writing if you can.


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