One day I found myself awake in the deep and dark night to the sound of gunfires and the sound of panic and fear. As I walk out I see my people scattered and afraid. I see bright red explosions contrasting to the night’s sky. I run through the violent streets so shocked of my surroundings until I find a block of wood to shelter and hide me. In my place I stop and watch. I see a soldier, a soldier knocking down a door to a house. The soldier enters. As I keep watching I see him come out with a woman in his grip, dragging her outside with a gun pointed at her head. The woman screams as tears stroll down her face. Her right arm reaching back as if she wants to get a hold of something. As she leaves I see a child at the doorstep, a child crying and scared reaching for his mothers hand. Carelessly the soldier keeps dragging her away as the young child cries in fear and pain. What should I do? What is happening? They took away so many parents from so many innocent children and for what? For war? Does this violence make them feel superior? Where is their heart? When will we finally be free from this nightmare?
I keep looking around myself in this scary place and see all these views of death, killings, cries, pain, blood, destruction, guns, tanks, and dust in the air from all the explosions covering everything like fog.
All of the sudden, I see a soldier above me with a gun pointed at me. I look at him curiously. Why is he doing this? What have I done to him? If he thinks he’s in the right, then lets appraise. I stand up infront of him as he moves his gun along the way I move until he stops and points it at my chest. I close my eyes and lift my head up fearlessly as the gunfires, screams and pain surrounding me is all that is going on. He keeps the gun pointed at my chest for a while as he stares at me, until I sense as he lets go of the trigger, puts his gun down and takes a couple of steps back. Just as I open my eyes I see him walking away with his gun on his back and head facing down finding his way back to his vehicle and leaving the territory.
Sunday 24 October 2010
Freedom
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This piece was inspired by track 11 as in my opinion it in a way showed the silent side of war and emptiness given, with a hint of possible victory in the tone at the end.
ReplyDeletePowerfully imagined, and with a palpable tension which keeps me hooked until the very end (although the final sentence is weaker than it could have been). This is very convincing and engaging writing, of which you should be proud. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI especially like the way you are writing in the present tense (or at least you do after the first sentence, which appears to be still in the past tense??). I am a big fan of the present tense for fiction. :)
Let's look a little more closely at how we could refine your writing still further though. Look at a phrase like "awake in the deep and dark night to the sound of gunfires and the sound of panic and fear". Firstly, "deep and dark night" seems a little cliched; but, more than that, the rest of the sentence is crying out for metaphor. What about "to the sound of guns burning panic and fear into the angry night"? Do you see how I've made a metaphor out of "burning" and I've personified the "night". Try things like this with a few other sentences in your piece and see what happens.
And what about this sentence: "I keep looking around myself in this scary place and see all these views of death, killings, cries, pain, blood, destruction, guns, tanks, and dust in the air from all the explosions covering everything like fog." I love the fog simile at the end, but the list beforehand weakens it; lists are rarely effective. Have a think about how else you could have approached this scene?
The only other point I would make is about your grammar: at times, it is a little awkward. For example, "contrasting to" should be "contrasting with"; "shocked of my surroundings" should be "shocked by my surroundings"; "All of the sudden" should be "all of a sudden" (although I'd avoid either, as it is a bit cliched anyway)... Just something to keep an eye on next time.
Finally, think how EVEN better this piece would be without "One day" at the beginning. It's not necessary; and, in writing, unless something is TOTALLY necessary, it probably shouldn't be there at all. :)
Let's see what the others think...