Saturday, 23 October 2010

On and On

I knew this; I could repeat this routine backwards. I jumped and my wings spread out like a parachute as soon as my claws were no longer clinging to the rocks. I felt the air ruffle my feathers. This was home; everywhere and no where. Through the sky, never knowing where to go but always hoping for the best. The other ones were leading the flock while I was following behind unnoticed and uncaring. I watched as people below me fought with guns and bombs and I cried a little. Why were these humans so upset? Why did they have to cause these explosions that blasted in the air and burnt my feathers? I just wanted to fly. I just wanted to be free. I started to descend and I hovered over the sea where I ducked my beak in side the water and caught a fish almost straight away. I flew back up into the air regrettably as I watched the men fighting. It never ends, does it? Always, always, always fighting. I don’t want to see it anymore or feel it. I turned, away from the flock, away from everything, and flew. I stopped on the rocks and felt the breeze ruffle my wings. I watched the trees and the clouds and the bugs but I never looked down to the men. Maybe it will get better if I ignore it. Doesn’t that usually help? Tirelessly I realized I was going to need to join a flock so I closed my eyes and went. I followed them, like always, while I watched the men below me hoping for change, hoping for my life, so that I could fly and just fly.


  1. This piece was inspired by track 11, track 12, track 13 and track 15. I was inspired mostly by how the tracks created images inside my mind of the feeling of loneliness and the feeling of loss or as if something isn't right.

  2. I was immediately struck by the originality of this piece. Animal narrators can so often seem trite or childish, but yours is sophisticated and thoroughly convincing. Well done! Your opening is brilliant; I like the effect of your use of questions, and the introspection it creates; and, especially, I like the 'grandeur' of some of your sentences, especially: "I turned, away from the flock, away from everything, and flew." Wonderful.

    What would I change? Well, there are a few instances where your punctuation goes awry. Sentences like "I flew back up into the air regrettably as I watched the men fighting." cannot work without commas, for example. And "while I watched the men below me hoping for change" means something totally different without a comma before "hoping". Be careful with that.

    I also think you need to start using metaphor more. For example, "explosions that blasted the air" would be better, surely, as something like "explosions that tore the air" or "punctured the air". Do you see what I mean? Also, be careful with your repetition; sometimes it works, but others it just seems, well, repetitive: "Always, always, always fighting." and "so that I could fly and just fly". This leaves the ending a little disappointing, when the rest is SO good.

    Hope that helps. Let's see what the others think too...

  3. This story is so beautiful... It's one of my favorites!... I love the way you've told the story from a bird's perspective... The way you've written, makes the reader feel everything the story teller is feeling...


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