Brown and yellow polka dotted creature,
As tall as the trees or maybe taller.
Long legs and long neck as its main feature,
Compared we humans are so much smaller.
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Ah, Venice. I love the first line of this poem, but I’m afraid you haven’t got the metre quite right. The words naturally read with the stress on the first syllable (ask englishguru for the technical term!) so that “BROWN and YELlow POLka Dotted CREAture” sounds good, but to read it as iambic (with the stress on the second beat of the foot) would give us “Brown AND yeLLOW polKA doTTED creature”, which doesn’t sound nice at all. I think your problem is that you’ve ended all your lines with “feminine rhymes”, ie words which rhyme not on their last syllable, but on the penultimate – “creature”/”feature”, “taller”/”smaller”. It might be that these words just aren’t suited to this metre of verse.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless I liked most of the poem itself – the first line, and the second (especially if you changed it to “Tall as any tree or maybe taller” – which still isn’t iambic, but at least matches my reading of the first line”) and the fourth, which I think is funny and nice. Good try, but I think you got off on the wrong foot, if you forgive the joke.
Jonathan, thanks again! i'm glad you enjoyed the first two lines. Haha yes ill definitely try to keep working at the foot/ stress points in future poems.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry I’m late, time management is a problem for me!
This is a great poem. The image of this extending polka dot creature is magnificent! There are a few mistakes with the beats but all in all it’s very good! The first line starts with the DUM, making it trochaic (stress on the first syllabel; DUM – dee). Also some of the word have emphasis where I don’t think you want them too, like the word humans (Humans) and long neck (long NECK). I would suggest reading it out loud to yourself to discover where you miss with the beats.
I really like the rhyming and the repetition of the word long makes the giraffe seem longer. Brilliant piece!
Kat