This feeling so foreign, so unknown,
It rushes through me, strong and exciting,
Does this mean I will never be alone?
My fears are no longer frightening,
My heart has not always been true,
Everything strange, everything amiss,
After everything I have been through,
I deserve this, It's time for my bliss.
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Hello,
ReplyDeleteAs with the previous task, you've struggled a little to keep count of the syllables. Some lines have nine, others 8. Did you try Mr Savage's Excel idea? I think that you could really benefit from this, as having an odd number of syllables messes up the iambs too.
In the first line, you could try adding 'and' after the comma. This would give you the necessary syllable count without requiring you to restructure your line as it fits with the iambic pentametre too. The seventh line could also be similarly tweaked; 'everything +that+ I have been through' would take it up to ten counts, although it still wouldn't be iambic, but it's a start! On the last line, you could separate 'it's' into 'it is', pushing up the count to ten, again. These are simple changes that don't require much effort but can make a lot of difference in the structure and quality of your work.
You've cracked the rhyme scheme once again, which is super as it will help to bind the poem together.
I look forward to reading your sonnet next week, keep persevering and I think you'll do really great!
Frances
Hi lookingforneverland,
ReplyDeleteStill a lot of work to do on technique. I know poetry can be very personal; but (apart from the many suggestions from last week) the only other advice I could offer would be to share aloud with someone you trust.
As a whole the poem shows great depth and insight. Happiness is a difficult subject (or maybe we poets are just a miserable bunch...).
The poem begins well with a tinge of sadness that happiness is foreign.
Then the consistent rhymes, and the superb repetition of the word "everything" drive the poem, the "rush" of happiness itself, to the ecstatic last line "I deserve this, It's time for my bliss." The words, thoughts, emotions are all there. Now if the rhythm had that same constant drive....? Truly, though, I admire much of what you're accomplishing already.
michael