Once more there was nothing to do...Once more I felt lonely and sad... The exact same thing that happens every day in this house... A fight over something so worthless which turns into screaming... A family who couldn't care less...
Like all times, I went to the playroom... And I ran into his arms again and hugged him. I started crying in his arms out of misery and loneliness...
Then I pressed the button I press almost every day... I heard the words that make me feel better and comforted every time I'm upset: "Everything is going to be ok..."
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Despite what seems to be an overuse of the ellipsis (which I think reduces the impact of the whole thing), I like this piece very much. The opening sentence begins a specific moment, whilst also (with "once more") contextualising it within a longer period - and I like the repetition at the start of the second sentence too.
ReplyDeleteI always have a problem with "exact same" because either something is the same or it isn't, surely? (Or maybe I am just being pedantic!)
The final paragraph is fascinating, and works very well as the climax of a short piece like this: the idea of a recorded, positive mantra, electronically initiated when needed. This gives a richness and complexity to your character, and to their predicament.
The other things which would have improved this piece still further would have been metaphor; and also sound (e.g. alliteration, rhyme etc, none of which are exclusively for poetry). Obviously, any such technique overused becomes dry; but writing which is too literal can lack depth also.
Hope that makes sense.