I’m moving through a jungle. I’m moving quicker and quicker through this urban jungle. I’m running from the horde of modern “vampire-hunters” following me in this heartless, concrete jungle. Well, rather my place to exist, and not my home. My home I lost a long time ago.
It was a hot day. Hot enough for the bricks to seem to start sweating, hot enough that as I looked down the road, I saw the air shimmering above the bumpy road, and form a mirage. The day was too hot for this town, and everything was moving sluggishly, with only a few exceptions. Clouds of midges formed near the burn, and we prepared to defend ourselves, and this home we had made ours so long ago.
I wince as I remember that painfully hot afternoon. So long ago, yet the memory still hit me so hard. She had been in town that day, and one of them must have followed her. Now these same people were following me, her mate.
The people were coming for her, but I would defend her. I knew they would come as a horde, but even then, I was not prepared for the sheer number of people who came. That the townsfolk were a superstitious lot I knew, but so many? I looked at her, memorising every line and curve of her face, so that when I died, the last thing I would see would be the face of my mate.
She was the one that they took then, and today they would come for me. And, as it was last time, a sunny day this time. They knew that the light hurt me, otherwise why would they do this to themselves? And why hunt me? I only took the weak, the sick, those who couldn’t return.
If they somehow got by me, I didn’t know what I’d do. I knew that I might just let them kill me so that they wouldn’t hurt her, my wonderful being. I wanted to run with her, but I knew that if we did, we could never return.
These memories wouldn’t help me now, I need my wits around me. I look around, hearing a sharp whistle, and feel something pierce my skin. I look down, at the short, barbed bolt, blinking red at its back. And a feeling of dread and also a strange calm surrounds me. The light changes, and the arrow explodes, blowing me backwards in a trail of long-dead entrails, fresh blood and hot shrapnel. Now the crowd is bearing upon me. I hear them, and begin to stand up again, knowing that I need to rest a night for my stomach to piece itself back together. But now my assailant steps out, and I gasp as I recognise her face.
This is wonderfully accomplished writing. Not only does the dual narrative work to impressive effect (as long as you keep the right tense for each!), but the tension you build throughout kept me hooked from start to finish. Your prose is wonderfully sophisticated, and I am spoilt for examples: "I look down, at the short, barbed bolt, blinking red at its back" ... "The day was too hot for this town, and everything was moving sluggishly, with only a few exceptions" ... "I only took the weak, the sick, those who couldn’t return." I would find it hard to improve on lines like these. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWhere I think it needs work - apart from sorting out the consistency of your tenses (past for italics, present for the rest) - is the opening paragraph. This is the weak point of the piece, if it has one - for a number of reasons. The opening sentence lacks bite; the second sentence uses adjectives ("quicker and quicker") where adverbs are needed, and disappoints with the repetition of "jungle" (as does the next sentence too). And the point you are trying to make about the loss of a "home" falls a little flat too.
How about something like this? I am not saying it's perfect, but have a look at what I am trying to do:
"This jungle of breezeblocks and backstreets has no heart, and yet my own beats double as my feet pound the pavement, faster and faster with every familiar turn. Familiar, maybe, but this is no home: my home I lost a long time ago."
It's not just the alliteration, which I am using frequently here (and which, to be fair, you use a lot elsewhere); I also think an opening like this packs more punch, 'showing' what is happening, rather than simply 'telling'; leaving some things to the imagination; and avoiding unnecessary repetition. What do you reckon?
Let's see what the others think too...
Well, Muffin Man. Hi there. A quick introduction: my name is Jonathan and I'm going to have the pleasure of moderating your stories and pieces on this blog. And I'm glad to say I've come in on a good strong piece of writing. I can’t claim to be hugely knowledgeable about the whole vampire genre, but this piece seems an entirely credible entry into it. It makes clear the ‘rules of engagement’ while never exactly laying them out – using inference: that is giving the reader clues which they must then fit together to see the whole picture. Quite sophisticated!
ReplyDeleteAs a piece of writing of any genre, it is pleasingly fast moving, while also bringing in and then opening out its back-story, and gains a real sense of momentum from switching between the two strands.
Some lines I particularly like:
“I saw the air shimmering above the bumpy road” – I like that the road is bumpy, it gives a sense of place without being too specific.
“The day was too hot for this town” – a very cool line, like something from a film noir.
“I look around, hearing a sharp whistle, and feel something pierce my skin. I look down, at the short, barbed bolt, blinking red at its back.” – great example of writing around action. Things happen too quick for the narrator to do anything more than take in their sense data… until it’s too late.
And, most importantly of all, the twist in the final section caught me entirely by surprise – a great success in such a relatively short piece.
There are a few pointers for improvement, too, however. Firstly, you don’t quite mark the difference between the present and past sections as strongly as you could. On my first reading, I didn’t realise that the first italic section (“It was a hot day. Hot enough for the bricks…”) was in the past until I started the paragraph after it (“I wince as I remember that painfully hot afternoon.”) Perhaps shifting that line to the end of the first paragraph would make it clearer?
I’d look at the repetition. In the first three paragraphs we get “My home I lost a long time ago”, “this home we had made ours so long ago” and “So long ago” – too much!
Other moments that might need attention: “the townsfolk were a superstitious lot” – well, this seems rather clichéd, especially when you follow it up with the far more intelligent and moving line “I looked at her, memorising every line and curve of her face”.
“modern “vampire-hunters”” – seems like a strange phrase for an actual vampire to use (if that’s in fact what we’re talking about). Perhaps something a bit more derogatory and ironical – “modern-day Van Helsings” perhaps?
Structure: in the final paragraph the narrator gets hit (yes, a great moment) directly after the line “I need my wits around me.” (And note the repetition of “around” in the next line.) While there is obvious irony in this, inserting a line in between these two might make it even more effective. “I need my wits around me. I scan the rooftops, thinking if I can just make it to the city limits I might be safe. I hear a sharp whistle…” Or “I need my wits around me. I check my watch – it’s already four o'clock is the day is just starting to cool. I hear a sharp whistle…” Making that line suggest hope – the possibility of reaching safety – could make the shocking ending that much more powerful.
Small points, possible ways to improve, but the basics are all there, and more. I look forward to seeing more.