Their Lake
The lake water was still with the reflections of the stars above us. My hair was tied in two pigtails where my black locks hung loose and my hands, entwined with my sister's, were covered in dirt. My sister was only months younger than me but she acted tougher, more mature than me; the boss out of the two of us. Our worn out sneakers crushed the dirt rocks as we shuffled our feet to our lake. Every night we would go to our lake and talk about our day because when the sun was up, we were in different worlds.
I loved this piece, and especially the immediacy with which you got started. However, I wonder if, with only 101 words, you maybe can't afford to give so much background to your characters, as that tends to take away from any development of 'plot' and/or tension. I loved the penultimate sentence, in every way: the juxtaposition of "worn out" (i.e. weakness) and "crushed" (i.e. strength/violence); the noun phrase "dirt rocks", which seems wonderfully anachronistic; and the use of the possessive adjective in "OUR lake". The final sentence, however, is less effective - because THIS is where I hoped your piece would GO somewhere, or help your tension peak (and also because of the repetition of "our lake"). I think the sentiment, that only at nighttime are your characters together, is powerful - but I think I would make the sentence more immediate. I also wonder if the WHOLE piece could be in the present tense too. For example, the end could then be something like "By day, we burn beneath two different suns; the moon in the water tonight is one, and it is ours, dirt rocks dust now." Do you see what I mean?
ReplyDeleteYes, I see what you mean. I wasn't very happy with the ending either but I wasn't sure how to end it. I wanted the ending to be more about the lake or about how the sister is bossy, but I could find the right ending so I went with this one. Describing characters with detail is one of my habits so I need to work on that especially with a piece like this. Thanks for your opinion!
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