In a crowded room, but feeling alone. Dreaming of a world, but not knowing where it is. The sound of laughter, the feeling of smiling, they seemed so far away. I scream and I gasp and I choke and I tug and I tear, but no one notices. Am I being forgotten? Can't anyone hear me?
I wake up every morning, hoping that something will help me get through the day and every evening I sit and I watch television or I look at the children playing and I can't feel my skin. I can't feel anything.
"Everything's fine," I would say to my boss. "No, really, I'm fine,"
Slacker, I would hear the other workers say.
My chest was heavy but I worked and worked but just failed to finish anything reasonable.
I knew it was coming but it was like a bullet to my chest when my boss came to my desk one day.
"I'm letting you go, sorry,"
I stayed with my family and cleaned the litter at parks and I would do chores, like I was a child. But I am a child, aren't I? Hopeless and weak. I'm the same person I was when I was younger. Nothing's changed. Is this life? What about all of those stories I heard as a child? Cinderella? The girl with nothing, suddenly having everything? Is this it? The trees still loose leaves in Autumn and it still snows in Winter.
I can see fireflies outside my window. They are dancing in the sky. I want to dance in the sky too. I sit below a tree and I listen to the sound of the night and I listen to the wind and the children playing, but I don't hear anything. I can't feel my skin, I can't feel my heart, I can't feel my past, or dreams. I feel isolated and I'm scared, I'm as scared as a child who gets lost when shopping with their mother in the supermarket. I'm a lost child.
And every time I'm in a crowded room, I feel alone. I dream of a world, but I don't knowing where it is. The sound of laughter, the feeling of smiling, they seem so far away. I scream and I gasp and I choke and I tug and I tear, but no one notices. Am I being forgotten? Why Can't anyone hear me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with this task for hours and I couldn't find anything. I started typing then deleted everything about 7 times before I wrote this piece. My story is quite dramatic, but I'm used to writing like that and it's too difficult for me to write stories with dragons or fictional things like that. I know the start & finish aren't the same as what we were supposed to use but I didn't know what to do with it. I'm sorry about that. I know this is a weak piece, but I really tried my best.
ReplyDeleteHello Lookingforneverland,
ReplyDeleteDon't worry too much about having a hard time with this task, the important thing is that you tried and you've completed the task. We don't expect perfect pieces every time, Word Voodoo is all about learning and experimenting.
An area that could be developed here would be the character. We don't really know anything about him/her, the reason behind their unhappiness and desperation, the life that they are coming from, or the life that they strain for.
You do have some really nice lines in here. My favourite being 'I look at the children playing and I can't feel my skin.'
I also really enjoyed 'The trees still loose leaves in Autumn and it still snows in Winter' because it shows the passing of time, as well as illustrating the depression on your protagonist.
Whilst the paragraph at the beginning and the ending aren't the set ones, you have completed the task with sentences that are the same, so I hope that I'm not out of line by saying that this is more important.
I will say, however, that it is important to persevere when tasks get tough, because this is how we progress as writers.
I hope that you enjoy the next task more,
Frances
Hello Frances,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feed back! I'll try to be more in depth with the background of character, but for some of my previous tasks I was told that I talked about the character too much. I definitely need to work on descriptions more.
Thank you!
Hi lookingforneverland,
ReplyDeleteI can relate! I've deleted probably three times as much as has survived in some form. It's a mood, confidence thing which - I imagine - all writers go through. You might try and start with good old pen and paper - just write and keep writing, leave it overnight and I'm sure you will find some great lines among "the ruins" which will inspire whole pieces.
You have a genuine talent for rhythm:
"I scream and I gasp and I choke and I tug and I tear, but no one notices."
Much better job varying the beginnings of sentences. Improvement is the key.
The line above is so strong that I found the last two sentences of the paragraph unnecessary. Try and step back from directly stating the emotions. The reader will feel them him or herself if the images are strong enough.
Your images could be a bit fresher, but moving on to poetry will help with that. Maybe look around, pick a random object like the mess of cd's on my desk are like…. Have some fun with it.
michael
oh meant to compliment you on the title
ReplyDeletestruggling to define it which is great! it's that gap which is so important for imagery and keeps work alive for reader and writer
m