He felt small, sitting on the moist rock, watching the ocean lash the rocks below him. The sky was dark and the clouds were haunting, and he wanted to escape. His bare feet were bleeding from the harsh texture of the rocks that dug into his skin. His clear blue eyes were red and he choked back the tears that were caused by everyone and everything around him. Fat rain droplets started to crash on his honey colored hair and his clothes began to be heavy and weighed him down. He laid down on the rock and pain was sent through his body like an electric shock because of the sharp edges stabbing into his back. He closed his eyes and he felt a rush of familiarization as the wind blew through his damp hair and the noise buzzed in his brain of the water splashing around, as if they were struggling to escape from something that was holding them back. This was home for him. This was always home for him, the music of nature in his ears, this is what he knew but he didn’t like it. His smile was fake, his laughter was forced, his hopes were fairy tales and his strength was weak. His tears rolled down his cheeks like small crystals glistening and dropping onto the rock, mixing with the rain. He stood up sloppily and looked below him into the ocean. He took a deep breath and jumped with all of his might down, to the ocean, and he hoped that there was going to be sunshine where ever he was going.
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This piece was inspired by track 14. When I listened to track 14. I pictured images of nature and pain while listening to this track, but more of images of forests and animals but when I started writing I had a totally different picture in mind. I tried to write of the forests but it seemed too forced so I wrote about the ocean which seemed to fit with my character more.
ReplyDeleteHi lookingforneverland
ReplyDeleteAs I told your fellow student, it will take me a while to fully appreciate your style, so please let me know if you disagree with any of my comments. It’s clear that you have a strong eye for details and your descriptions are generally effective. Sometimes they are startling, excellent:
His clear blue eyes were red
and
the clouds were haunting
The main area you can improve is using this talent for detail to create more original images and metaphors. There are a few too many tired images, for instance:
He laid down on the rock and pain was sent through his body like an electric shock because of the sharp edges stabbing into his back.
There are two images (electric shock, stabbing into…) which have been used too often for them to have much of an effect on the reader. In a second or third draft try and spot these clichés and find a fresher way to express your meaning. You definitely have the ability:
He stood up sloppily
works extremely well. It is brief and creates visual and emotional resonance.
Also:
His tears rolled down his cheeks like small crystals glistening and dropping onto the rock, mixing with the rain.
Is strong and carries the image to a second level (tears to crystals to falling to mixing)
One further point. Your use of “He” and “His” at the beginning of sentences becomes, for me, a bit repetitive. This repetition works brilliantly in my favorite sentence
His smile was fake, his laughter was forced, his hopes were fairy tales and his strength was weak.
A very poetic line where “his” provides rhythmic downbeats. The half-rhyme of “fake” and “weak” tightens the sentence even more. Great!
However, in the work as a whole I think you need to look at varying the openings and maybe the lengths of some sentences. Mainly, though, focus on making every image powerful and original.
michael
Hello,
ReplyDeleteThis is a good effort, and I enjoyed reading it. You're piece tells a story and the plot feels quite complete.
I enjoyed a lot of the images too, especially as you have focused not just on sight, but also what the character feels and hears. However, sometimes the way you write the image is a bit convoluted, and perhaps if you tightened a couple of your sentences the piece might read more smoothly.
"His bare feet were bleeding from the harsh texture of the rocks that dug into his skin", is one example that I think is a little clunky, even though the image and detail behind it is good.
I thought the last clause in particular was strong, and emotive, and I found it an effective ending. Good work!
I look forward to reading your next piece,
Frances