Matt sighed. He rose, slowly, his heart still aching from the pain of parting with what he had called home his entire life. He took a deep breath, then set out to the forest. The calm immediately embraced him, as if the forest was another world. Sunlight drifted among the trees and the wind blew lazily, teasing the edges of Matt’s coat… Matt journeyed on, entranced by the mystic beauty of the forest, his soul full with the harmony of nature. The sounds coalesced perfectly with each other, forming a symphony of nature. Matt's grief turned to dust as his heart clasped onto the beauty of the forest untill he became intoxicated by its charm. It seemed to possess some hidden enchantment, slowly drawing his mind away from reality. Matt’s vision turned to a kaleidoscope of colours as he slowly fell. The ground rushed up to meet him and then, there was silence.
As before, quite short... I definitely need to work on that to avoid it becoming a habit. Anyway, my inspiration was drawn from Track 18 as the melody, to me, seemed to represent a dream going on and on untill it was stopped.
ReplyDeleteHi Wordsmith,
ReplyDeleteI’ve enjoyed reading your work and look forward to working with you. It will take a bit of time for me to fully appreciate your style; so if you disagree with any of my comments please let me know and I will respond.
You said you’re having a bit of trouble reaching the word count, so it may seem unhelpful for me to begin by suggesting sentences which would benefit from being shorter. Hopefully, I’ll provide ideas for similar spots where you can creatively expand your work.
One example:
The calm immediately embraced him, as if the forest was another world.
Do you think the second part of the sentence would sound better or worse without the words “as if” and “was”?
Your grammar is strong, so don’t be afraid of cutting words that aren’t absolutely necessary.
Similarly
The sounds coalesced perfectly with each other, forming a symphony of nature.
“with each other” is actually redundant- contained in the meaning of “coalesced”
The main point is that you should try to make every word important, even a word like “the” can be powerful if used for rhythm or special emphasis.
You have some excellent images here. The “symphony of nature” a heart which “clasps” and especially “Sunlight drifted” are a pleasure to read. You can focus this talent and improve (and expand!) a sentence like:
He rose, slowly, his heart still aching from the pain of parting with what he had called home his entire life.
What details of Matt’s previous home are especially painful to remember? How do they contrast with his new environment? Perhaps find small details in the forest which might spark other connections.
The final sentence is, I believe, the best.
The ground rushed up to meet him and then, there was silence.
That comma does so much powerful work! It’s a gasp, a last desperate breath. Excellent.
michael
Hello Wordsmith,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your piece, I think it has a lot of potential. To avoid repeating Michael's comments, I'll try and give you some tips on how to lengthen your writing.
I think that you could have gone into deeper description with the forest. I like 'mystic beauty', it's emotive and helps the readers to understand how Matt feels, but it isn't very specific in relation to the forest. A good way to think of what to write is to ask yourself questions. What kind of trees is Matt walking through? What colour are the leaves? Is the sunlight streaming through the branches, or is the canopy too thick? Are there any fungi? Can Matt here birds or insects, or is it silent? Is it day, or night? What season is it? You've got the bones of the story written down already, you just need to flesh them out a little, and this will help to bring up your word count as well as providing a more satisfying read.
You've titled your piece The Journey. I presume this is because Matt is journeying through the forest, but I'd like a few more clues as to why. Why has he had to leave his home? Why has he chosen the forest in particular? Does he know what he is journeying towards? You don't need to give the readers all of the answers, keeping things mysterious is a good way to keep the readers interested, but I feel like some context could anchor your piece.
Finally, I will repeat Michael's comment; I too really enjoyed your last line.
I look forward to reading your next piece!
Frances