I could start off and say I woke up with the light shining through my windows and the snow glistened outside. That would be lying, though. The snow does not glisten outside, it is more like layers of brown slush and the sun is barely visible behind all of the gray clouds. Plus, winter break was over so how could I possibly start the day off with such a positive comment.
My mother called from downstairs "Hurry up! You'll be late!"
Blah, blah, blah. who cares? I'm always late. Instead, I pulled the covers over my head and slammed my fist down on my alarm clock that was beeping annoyingly.
"Erika, get down, now! You have school! I will not start this semester with a phone call asking why you aren't there!"
I'm sorry, what? When has she ever been called by called by school? Okay, there have been occasions, but they were never because I was late to school. Actually, there were quite a few occasions, but I don't care. You know what my mother does? She worries too much. Sure, I've been in a couple of fights and yeah, okay, I've been suspended but it's not like... I failed the year or something...well, I almost did last year but it wasn't that bad...I just... Well, anyways. It's not like my mother is Mrs. Perfect herself. You know, maybe if she'd listen to me once in a while she'd know what was going on but no. She doesn't listen. And I don't listen to her, so we are even. Everyone thinks me and my mom are buddies and that we should stick together, considering that my sister died last year but it's the opposite. She is just more protective of me than ever and it's so irritating! I can take care of myself, thanks. We just fight so much more. She says I've become "rebellious" and "irresponsible" and that I "Don't care about anything"
But that's just because I realized we all die eventually and no one makes it out alive so honestly...what's the point in caring about anything?
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I called this piece "Her Sister's Mark" because of the way her death made an impact on the way Erika acts. Although Erika brushes it off and says "Who cares?" I wanted to make it seem that she was hurt greatly by it and she is just hiding her feelings, so I hope that that is clear for the reader to understand.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a strong piece and really expresses how the character feels. The point that she is affected greatly by the death of her sister and not caring for anything else anymore is very clear and is explained very well. The message got through really well for the reader to understand. Reading this, I found that I actually wanted to know about the rest of the story and what happens next. So this piece also makes the reader curious to find out about the continuing! Its was a sad story but written very well:):)
ReplyDeleteHi lookingforneverland,
ReplyDeleteLike the opening you chose this piece has a strong central voice, and I immediately get a sense of the narrator's character. Ironically, it's the descriptions that make the opening so brilliant - room for both, no?
I felt that there were places where you didn't fully inhabit the character. For instance
Plus, winter break was over so how could I possibly start the day off with such a positive comment.
This seems to me a bit staid or stilted, lacking energy. Same with the word "Instead". Maybe I'd need to read a longer piece to fully appreciate the character, but I just wanted a bit more energy in those lines.
Most of the piece is strong -especially the long ramble (In a good way) just before the end. I think
I've been in a couple of fights and yeah, okay, I've been suspended but it's not like... I failed the year or something...well, I almost did last year but it wasn't that bad...I just... Well, anyways.
is superb and a model for the effect I believe you are trying, and mostly succeeding, to achieve.
While the Mother's intrusions which spark this rant are good, I thought
She says I've become "rebellious" and "irresponsible" and that I "Don't care about anything"
weakened the pace. As a whole this is worth imagining as longer work, and I think those comments related as part of a specific confrontation would work better.
Continued progress. Thanks for an interesting read.
michael
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI can see how your chosen opening has influenced your own piece. The character voice is strong and realistic, good work. It draws the reader in and we see everything through the filter of your narrator.
However, I didn't get much of a feeling for the sister. I don't doubt that the death of her sister has affected Erika, but I don't really feel it. She is mentioned a couple of times, but there isn't much depth behind these remarks. Whilst I agree and think that it is more realistic for Erika to hide her feelings, like you mentioned, I think that you could give the readers more of a glimpse into her and her mother's grief. This would help reinforce what you as the writer is trying to say.
Enjoy the holidays,
Frances