A country which one would not know much about
A country which has housed poets and politicians
A country which has been misunderstood
A country not often spoken of
A place one would try to escape
But wouldn't be able to let go of
A home full of memories
Both sad and happy
My country
My home
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I hope you had a good holidays! And are enjoying being back writing again :)
ReplyDeleteI really loved the content of these poems. 'Iran' had depth and honesty, and I found it really affecting. I also liked the cute mystery of 'Parrot'. A neat little four line poem!
However, I can see that you're struggling with both RHYME and METER. You obviously can “do” rhyme – 'Parrot' is spot on! – but you don't attempt it in 'Iran'. What happened?! Did you read the instructions for the task thoroughly?
I don't think you've quite grasped SYLLABLES and FEET. I've marked up both your poems with their lengths and rhythms (as I heard them, anyway: I don't pretend to be a poetry expert, and your other mods might mark up these poems a bit differently!), which should help you see what the meter of these poems is, where they're not iambic, and where the line lengths don't fit Mr. S's guidelines. I also think it'd be useful for you to read back over the original instructions for the task, and to do a bit of independent poetry research (read some anthologies; look up 'iambic pentameter' or 'meter' on Wikipedia). A good use of rhythm and meter can give greater force to the meaning of your work, helping emphasise key words and ideas. There is real feeling in your poetry; working on your poetic form can help give that feeling shape and emphasis!
Sarah
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A coun-TRY which ONE would NOT know MUCH aBOUT (11)
A counTRY which has HOUSED PO-ets and POL-i-TIC-ians (13)
A counTRY which has BEEN misUNDerSTOOD (10)
A counTRY not OFTen SPOKen OF (9)
A PLACE one WOULD TRY to es-CAPE (8)
But WOULDn't be A-ble to LET go OF (10)
A HOME full OF MEM-ries (6)
BOTH SAD and HAP-py (5)
MY counTRY (3)
MY HOME (2)
You SPEAK a WORD and THEN WON-der (8)
WHY the EC-ho comes BACK to YOU (8)
You LOOK a-ROUND and THINK the SOUND is from YOND-er (12)
WHEN you REALise it's FROM a FEATH-ered CREAT-ure RED, yel-LOW and BLUE (16
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSorry I've been slow getting back to you on this. It's good to read your work again. Poety's hard. There's so much to think about with the rules that it can seem to get in the way of creativity sometimes, but once you know those rule it gives your creativity even more depth.
Sarah's already given you some good pointers on the iambics getting a bit lost here. Let's look at a line where it worked:
'A country which has been misunderstood'
Good work there - you can hear the rythm in the line. There's only so many times you can write down da-DA, da-DA before it starts driving you insane, I know. But do reread this line, listen to the way the stresses fall, and take that as your guide for the next time you write in iambics (sonnets are awsome so have fun with that).
In terms of the number of beats, I personally enjoy the system of counting on my fingers when I'm in doubt :S
So here towards the end of the poem you want two lines with one 'foot.' So da-DA. Two beats only.
So 'my country' doesn't quite fit. Use the finger rule. my 1 coun 2 try 3
By the time you reach the third finger it's panic stations.
But the last line: my 1 home 2
Fits perfectly. Not just in terms of the rules, but also in terms of the tone of the poem. It's powerful to finish on that line, and I think you chose it well. It shows you have a feel for the way lines effect people emotionally, and that puts you in a really good position to work on more poetry.
I'll comment on the animal poem seperately. Thanks for this, and sorry again. I look forward to reading your next piece. Take care,
Andy