The feeling is the best feeling there is
No matter where you are or how you feel
The feeling shall come to you with strong bliss
The feeling makes everything seem to heal.
The feeling will lead you to pure success
And will make you shine as strong as a pearl
The feeling is absolute happiness.
Venice, hi there. First of all, the poem is fine in terms of its imagery, so I’m going to concentrate on your metre, as this is what englishguru wanted you to work on.
ReplyDeleteThis is certainly more on the button in terms of metre and scansion than the giraffe poem, lovely though it was. I would say that lines 1, 2 and 5 are absolutely spot on, but some of the others – though they have the right number of syllables, end up with the emphases on the wrong ones.
It’s not enough to have the right number of feet in each line, but you’ve got to have the stresses in the right places.
So line 4 (“The FEEling MAKES e-V'RY-thing SEEM to HEAL”) feels wrong when it gets to “eV'RYthing” – read it out loud, with the stresses stressed, and then read line 2, which is perfect, and I hope you’ll see what I mean.
Or, as another example, take the last line:
“The FEE-ling IS ab-SO-lute HA-ppi-NESS”
The stresses all fall fine except for the third one, on the middle syllable of “absolute”. If you say the word "absolute" in normal speech, the stress goes on the first syllable, and the word shouldn’t act any different in a poem.
Below is my reworked attempt of your poem, changing only those lines that – although they have the right number of feet, sound wrong when read according to this system.
The feeling is the best feeling there is
No matter where you are or how you feel
The feeling comes to shore on waves of bliss
And heals the heart, as doctors’ plasters heal.
The feeling is the strongest in the world
It is sure to lead you straight to pure success
It will make you shine as strong as any pearl
The feeling is just total happiness.
The “just” in the last line allows the third stress to fall on the first syllable of “total”.
Poetry isn't just about getting your sense across, but finding the right words to fit the scheme - if a word doesn't fit, you need another word. It's a bit like doing a jigsaw puzzle!
Hiya Venice,
ReplyDeleteThe images in this poem are great, and your grasp on iambic pentameter has definitely improved. I love the way that you use positive words to reinforce the positive nature of your emotion. I may suggest not using the word ‘feeling’ as much, as we know you’re talking about one. Be careful with repeating words.
Your meter is pretty good, although there’s a slight slip on some of the lines where the emphasis seems to fall on the wrong word. In the first line the first ‘feeling’ has the emphasis on the ‘feel’, but on the second the emphasis is on the ‘ing’. It may just be me, but this jars a little. The second line is perfect. In the third line the word ‘to’ would not naturally be emphasised, but in your poem it is. Perhaps something like; ‘the FEELing COMES to YOU with STURdy BLISS’. Line 5 is brilliant, and line 6 seems fine, although try saying the word success out loud in a sentence to see where you put your emphasis naturally. Line 7 seems off in a few ways; the meter is slightly wrong and the image of a shiny pearl seems a little contrived. Think of a pearl and its quality. Does it shine? Or is it more of a gleam, a dull but translucent beauty? With the last line, again try saying the word absolute in a sentence to see where the emphasis naturally lies.
You’re really getting the hang of it, with just a few little tweaks it will be perfect!
Kat