Sunday, 10 October 2010

River of Loss

Silently she walks alone. Her bare feet touching the ground without making any noise. Her thoughts are lost in the darkness and the silence of the wood.

She does not have to think about where to go since she knows this path by heart. Finally she reaches the river. Her own flesh and blood died in this very place. She will never forget the moment her baby closed its eyes for the last time and floated away with the current. As will she always blame herself for being careless and gullible.

The pain will never end and their bond never weaken.


  1. The first paragraph has LOADS of potential, with a couple of changes. Firstly, punctuation: you need a comma after the first word; and, equally, a comma rather than a full stop after "alone". Secondly, since you've already said she walks "silently", isn't it duplication to say she isn't "making any noise"? With only 101 words to play with, you can't really afford duplication. As for the final sentence of Paragraph 1, at first I thought it was extraordinary - because I thought of "wood" as a substance, rather than a small forest. But then I re-read it and suspected you meant the latter. Did you? In which case, "the silence of each tree" seems to have more life to it, don't you think? Anyone could write about a forest being silent; but a TREE! :)

    The second paragraph is good - but I worry it is all rather literal. I know "flesh and blood" is metaphorical, but it is a cliched metaphor and the rest is simply telling us what happens. The best writers often refer to a technique called "show not tell"; in other words, they try and imply and suggest, whilst leaving much to the reader to work at. For example, something like "It had looked more like log than baby, as the current had stolen it - and now, each log looks more like baby, her guilt trying to bring the dead to life" What I have written is far from perfect, but it gets across the same information, but "showing" rather than "telling"...

    Please let me know if you know what I mean by this?

    As for the ending, it seems a little bland. I'd prefer it to end with something more sparky and powerful, e.g. "The current accepts her too, as her bare feet surrender to the river. Perhaps they will be reunited."

    I am not trying to rewrite your own piece; just to demonstrate the device I have mentioned. Hope it's helpful?

  2. Thank you for writing those very helpful comments. After reading them, I completely see what you mean. Especially using the two meanings of wood I really liked.
    Using metaphors is certainly not one of my greatest strenghts, but im working on it!
    I will try my best to take all this into consideration for the next task. :)


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