Sunday, 10 October 2010

Summer Days

It was a late summers night when they all decided to jump into the pool with their pyjamas still on. The freezing cold water splashing all over the warm dry floor, like an explosion of a million water drops. All the laughs and hilarious moments. All the smiles and happiness expressed. These are the memories that will remain forever to be remembered. Those warm, fun, memorable summer days. The moments I am truly blissful of where I am and who I have. Those are the memories that last in my mind. Those are the friendships that stay in my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Firstly, I just adore your first sentence. It is attention-grabbing, and hides so many different implications and possibilities. Wonderful!

    Let's look at Sentence 2 next. I think it would work better with "splashed" rather than "splashing", otherwise it is an untidy abstract - but the juxtaposition between warm/dry and wet/cold is great (although if you use "freezing" do you really need "cold" as well?). As for the simile, wouldn't it work better as a metaphor - i.e. just getting rid of the "like". Metaphors are so much better than similes, most of the time.

    The next three 'sentences' would work better as one, with multiple clauses, don't you think?

    But then the piece goes slightly off the boil, in my opinion. It all becomes rather vague and general and wishy washy - with no tension taught and relentless, or oddness keeping us hooked. You've got these characters doing something surprising; you've got the great (and quite violent) description of the water against dry ground. And then everything dissipates.

    How about one character left standing in the dry, watching, waiting? Or maybe a car drawing up at the end? Or maybe zoom in, like a writer's camcorder, on a tinier detail - the look on someone's face, or two people's hands touching? I'm not sure specifically what, but I think you need to sustain the focus of your first, fantastic two sentences throughout.

    I hope you see what I mean?


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