The powerful blue waves struck the sea shore,
The sun shines as it always did before.
Sand is as golden as the sun,
A land of nothing but great fun.
In all this poverty,
Smiles are lit gracefully.
The night life starts,
All looks like art.
So fine,
Its divine.
Venice, there are some lovely evocative parts to this poem. “Sand is as golden as the sun” scans beautifully, and the paired lines “The nightlife starts/All looks like art” work brilliantly together. Take out the “It’s” from the last line and you have a great end, too.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of wobbles in the metre though (though I’m not a poetry expert, so remember this is just my reading of the lines). The first line does scan, but only if you make ‘powerful’ three syllables, which means you end up with two stresses on ‘powerful’, miss out ‘blue’ and hit ‘the’, which reads a bit clumsily. You can get away with making ‘powerful’ a two-syllable word, though (you can get away with a lot in poetry if it sounds right!) – so how about “The POWERful WAVES come STRIking ON the SHORE”?
Similarly, although the twin lines “In all this poverty/Smiles are lit gracefully” makes a happy point, the second line reads clumsily, as the first stress falls on ARE. You might want to think how you could get SMILES in that place in the line. It’s not perfect, but ‘The SMILES shine GRACEfulLY’ could seem better.
In general, though, a pleasant poem, with a good, skipping and flowing acceleration in the last lines.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteWow, this is beautiful! The colours and juxtaposition between the sun and the night life, the reference to the sun and gracefully lit smiles is so poetic! The sudden introduction of poverty is shocking, but seems brushed over by the night life and its artistic qualities. I wonder if this is purposeful or if this mimics the place you are talking about.
I feel you have problems with the meter slightly. The word ‘the’ in the first line needs to be stressed in your piece to make it work, but isn’t often stressed in the way we speak. ‘Smiles’ is the emphasis in the sixth line, making it DUM dee , the same applies to the word ‘Sand’.
The alliteration of ‘sea shore’ and ‘sun shines’ is brilliant, and the ‘sun’ and ‘smiles’ carries this on, making the poem sound like waves washing up and down a beach. Work on the meter and it’s perfect!
Kat
Thank you!! I'm glad you both liked it, yes i see the meter and stress are not too good but ill keep working on it! Thanks!
ReplyDelete