Sunday, 20 February 2011


A great feeling everybody should know,

and still, sometimes it fades just like old ink,

sometimes it leaves us, not here to follow,

'It is not here, it's gone!' we often think.

I think we are wrong its only hiding,

somewhere we cannot find it, far away.

And then simply everything is aching,

I know it will come back for sure some day.


  1. Hi Sydney,

    As I've come to expect, this is another fine submission. What I'm really impressed by is the depth of feeling in this poem, and the way you use technical elements - rhythm, punctuation - to add depth and shade to that feeling. I particularly like the way you delay the focal or climactic point of some of the lines ('and still, sometimes it fades' and 'And then simply everything is aching' - I adored the brutal simplicity of this one!). For me, the effect of this technical choice was an added sense of drama, but also a wistfulness, a feeling of a narrator who has been "stretched thin", worn down. This definitely reflects the heart-breaking central notion of the poem, that trust that is "vanished" is really 'hiding / somewhere we cannot find it'. Beautiful. 'It fades just like old ink' is a fitting and original simile; your occasional use of imagery is affecting and astute.

    A couple of quibbles (where would we be without quibbles?!): 'not here to follow' was, for me, a slightly clunky phrasing. It felt like you were letting the need to rhyme take the driving seat - noticeable, as for the rest of the poem you have such assured control! Andy will have to correct/corroborate this, but I also found the meter of the fifth line a bit off. Is it just me, or was it mainly in trochees, rather than iambs? That is: 'I think WE are WRONG it's ON-ly HI-DING' This isn't something to worry about, though, as you clearly know how iambic pentameter works, and how to use it to your advantage (rather than letting it use you!). Once again, you should be very proud!

  2. Hi,

    thank you for this great comment! Yes, that one line had me worry for ages, I just did not find anything right to fit in, so the need for rhyme did take over!

  3. Hi,

    Great work again on this. Your grasp of the technical aspects of poetry and your creativity is constantly impressive. You should be really proud.

    I love the way you make the feelings come through in this piece by implying sadness but insisting on hope - it's very powerful, and you've measured it perfectly.

    As you've already been briefed on the technical side I won't do into that other than to say well done again. In terms of my response as a reader I was moved by this, and I think other people would be too. You obviously have a gift for poetry. I'm really looking forward to your next piece.

    Take care,



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