Greg sat up straight in his bed. Eyes wide open, and drenched in sweat, he could still feel the knife in his stomach.
He moved his trembling hand towards the spot where he'd been stabbed. Nothing. Slowly he sank back into his bed. It was just another dream. This had been going on for almost a week now.
He checked the time, not surprised any more at what it said; 04.52. Not only did his dreams get more violent and detailed per night, he also wakes up 2 minutes later per night. Guessing that that was not the only pattern that seemed to repeat, he assumed that his dream would not continue and he could sleep for the remaining 2 hours.
That assumption was wrong. This night his dream continued...
At 7am, Greg was so exhausted that he did not hear his alarm clock go off, and he slept 2 more hours. As he realized what had happened, he reached to his phone to call his boss, that he would not come in today, he is sick. Next he dialled his sister's number, and told her that he would come over in a hour and he needed someone to talk with.
-It is the same dream every night and started last week, Friday.
-Tell me about the dream
-I try to escape, but my killer is faster. 2 nights ago was the first time I got stabbed. Every night, the dream lasts a bit longer and more happens. Tonight, I was laying on the cold floor, gasping for air. My attacker simply stood above me watching in silence. That's when it ended. But then I fell asleep again, and it continued. He took off his mask and I could see his face.
-Do you recognize him, know him from somewhere?
- No, I don't, but he seems so familiar! Sue, I know every detail of that dream, I even know the name of street; its Westmoore street. And for some reason I also know that I am in Galbally, you know, the town some miles south from here.
- Greg, I am worried about you, you look completely pale! Go sit in front of the TV I'll make you some tea and breakfast.
Greg didn't argue and went to the sofa and turned on the TV. He flipped through some channels and stopped at the local news channel as he couldn't believe what he sees.
The reporter in the screen said: 'And today’s breaking news: there has been a murder in Galbally. A young man has been stabbed at night in an empty street. So far there are no suspects but Policemen are still investigating around the area.'
For me, Knots and Crosses by Ian Rankin was the most effective piece. It was the one that gripped me most and wanted me to read on the most. Except for 1983 by David Peace, all other excerpts could have been an more or less ordinary day, or at least an ordinary crime scene, and didn't catch my interest as much.
ReplyDeleteWhat I also liked a lot in Knots and Crosses, was the conversation going on. It seemed quite quick paced but still somewhat descriptive with short narrative parts in between. I also loved the fact that the characters seem quite at ease with the “mysterious letter” but the reader simply knows that there is much more behind it.
Firstly, your analysis! In picking up the characters' being “at ease” with the letter whilst the reader knows there is much more behind it, you've highlighted how authors often create narrative tension: by making the reader suspect or infer that something bad is going to happen, and have to watch, squirming, as the characters innocently walk right into it. It's a balancing act – drip-feeding the reader enough information to make them guess something is afoot, but not so little that the meaning is opaque or so much that the outcome is obvious – and one that Rankin manages well. I'm interested to hear more about what made the other pieces “ordinary” (the ordinary happening of a man dropping a chunk of cement off a flyover in an attempted murder?!) compared to your chosen excerpt. You could also think about why the other authors choose to use “ordinary” atmosphere, settings or characters, and what effect this has.
ReplyDeleteAnd now onto your own attempt at crime fiction. Physic dreams and abilities are a common-ish trope of the genre, but you pulled this off well: I wasn't expecting Greg's dream to be a prediction of future until that “reveal” at the end. This was a well-executed punchline, although I would cut 'as he couldn't believe what he sees', as it kind of gives the game away. One of the reasons I didn't predict it is because the story-world seems so everyday, so ordinarily “real”. I couldn't imagine something so abnormal occurring in it, and consequently it caught me out; a pleasant surprise! Using “ordinary” settings thus gives the story-world veracity, and lulls the reader into a false sense of security. Perhaps this is the reason that Rendell, Atkinson et al use it? Getting further into the nuts and bolts of your prose, one way you create verisimilitude (a word that translates as “real seemingness”, but sounds a lot smarter!) is through using such clear, concise sentences: 'he moved his trembling hand towards the spot where he'd been stabbed. Nothing. Slowly he sank back into his bed. It was just another dream. This had been going on for almost a week now.' Declaratives like this declare the reality of the world.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are some places where you need to work on your style in order to improve precision and realism.
You have a lot of mentions of the time in just a few sentences: 'he checked the time, not surprised any more at what it said; 04.52. Not only did his dreams get more violent and detailed per night, he also wakes up 2 minutes later per night. Guessing that that was not the only pattern that seemed to repeat, he assumed that his dream would not continue and he could sleep for the remaining 2 hours.' Doing this throws the reader, as he or she can't keep track of when we are. Especially at the beginning of a work of fiction, you need to establish the temporality of the story-world; in other words, make it clear when we are, and don't jump around in time to a confusing extent!
You also need to work on dialogue. Dialogue is a place where characters can literally develop a voice, and the writer thus use dialogue to turn his characters into individuals. But sometimes your dialogue didn't ring true to me. For example, Sue would know where Galbally is, so Greg mentioning that it's a town to the south seemed very unconvincing; that's not Greg speaking but the author, dumping in a bit of background exposition. Sue's response to this also sounded a bit unlikely. Do you have brothers or sisters? Or cousins? I do, and though I obviously care about them deeply, I normally express this in... erm... “playful” (read: teasing or jokily abusive) terms. So, for me, 'Greg, I am worried about you' didn't sound like something a real sister would say. Perhaps something like: “'I always knew you were mental.' Smiling, she placed her hands on his shoulders and angled him towards the living room. 'Go and sit in front of the TV and I'll get you some breakfast. You look awful.' 'Cheers,' Greg said, but followed her instructions.”' Try reading your work aloud, listening out for whenever sentences sound “clunky”: it's a bit embarrassing, but really works.
This was a pleasure to read, with a clean, modern style and a nice twist to it. A final, minuscule and very pedantic point, though: unless they're very big numbers (e.g. 4,385), numbers should be written out in full, as words. I look forwards to seeing more of your work!