Her face was the last thing I saw, the last thing I remembered... I knew that wherever I went, if I had her in my mind, I was invincible. Nothing in the world could stop me from being reunited with her love.
The stench of fear hung in the air. Men eyed each other edgily, eager for something to happen. Their uniforms hung limply on their bodies, encased in steel, clinking at every movement of their bodies. Around me several men were praying to their respective gods, pleading for survival, while the more experienced veterans looked to their weapons, honing and keening their blades until they were fit for battle. Those were the men that would survive.
Me, I just had love. I believed that love would protect me and see me through the game kings call war. Horns blew and around me soldiers paced nervously. My mind kept on going back to the happier moments of my life, intertwined in the arms of my beloved, enjoying the beauty of life. Thinking back, I smiled.
"Weapons to the ready" roared our platoon commander. Men shuffled around, the hiss of swords being removed from scabbards filling the air. "For the King!" we cried. We charged forward and into the fray.
My sword sliced and hacked, as if it had a life of it's own, protecting me from our enemies hands. Time seemed to slow; my sword slowly transforming into a deadly pattern of steel, the cries of the fallen, the shouts of men engaged in battle.
A jar of steel on my shield brought me back to my senses. I turned, dodging the enemy soldier's blow and driving my sword into his chest. He emitted a shout of agony and fell to the ground. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realised that that soldier and I were no different from each other. Each of us were puppets of our kingdom, fighting for those we loved. I dried my tears and resumed the slaughter.
Far ahead, I saw an enemy archer slowly drawing his bow, taking aim at one of my comrades. I shoved people aside and jumped in front of him, just as the archer let the arrow fly. It buzzed like an angry hornet, before burying itself in my neck.
The soldier whose life I had saved looked astonished, slowly glancing back between the archer and the arrow meant for him. I died with a smile on my face, knowing that I had done one good deed in my life, and that the woman I love would be proud of me.
Her face was the last thing I saw, the last thing I remembered... I knew that wherever I went, if I had her in my mind, I was invincible. Nothing in the world could stop me from being reunited with her love.
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As suggested many times before, I have attmepted to write in a new style and this is the result. I wa quite pleased with the title and it's significance throughout the piece but like all prose, there is always room for improvement
ReplyDeleteAlso I think I jumped into the 'death' bit a bit too fast. I think I should have slowed it down in order to dramatize the effect...
ReplyDeleteHello Wordsmith,
ReplyDeleteGood effort this week, I can see that you have taken our comments on board. Well done on reaching a longer length too, I sometimes struggle with this too.
I understand where you are coming from with the death scene. Too early and the tension is broken, but too late and you could risk losing the reader's interest.
I don't think you've done a bad job here though, you have set up the scene, shown an insight into the narrator, and then comes the climax of the action.
What might have been a neat idea though would be to remain mysterious, and never say explicitly that he dies. It is mentioned twice, beginning and end that he is 'invincible' and I really like the idea that he could be actually immortal, and not just feel it because of his love. Instead of 'died with a smile', maybe 'fell to my knees', or some action that hints, but doesn't all the way tell.
Another thing I would consider changing would be to cut out 'I dried my tears and resumed the slaughter'. I feel this decreases readability and interrupts the flow. Also, would a soldier have time to dry his tears mid-battle? And what with? I like it when the last sentence of a paragraph is really strong, and I think that 'puppets of our kingdom' is a super image and a really nice phrase, and the paragraph would hit harder if you ended on this, emphasising the love that the narrator has for his wife/girlfriend.
There are some really good descriptive pieces in your story, and you evoke a selection of the senses. I thin my favourite is the arrow buzzing like a hornet, then burying itself into his neck, blargh, I am squirming, that's great!
I look forward to reading your next piece,
Frances
Hi Wordsmith,
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions are quite cinematic. At times the pace slows - the emotional reminiscences might need a longer piece. Still, the overall balance is effective.
Some excellent phrases:
“A jar of steel on my shield” -is nicely skewed, the rhyme pushing the pace along.
You might think about experimenting with fragments or short sentences.
For example, do you think there are some unnecessary words in
“My mind kept on going back to the happier moments of my life, intertwined in the arms of my beloved, enjoying the beauty of life.” ?
The idea behind “the game kings call war” is unusual (and therefore interesting); but does it clash with “puppets of our kingdom”? Does the narrator see the war as a game and himself as a puppet? How might this effect his sacrifice? Hmmm. You’re making me work. Good!
Your descriptions are often excellent:
Men shuffled around, the hiss of swords being removed from scabbards filling the air.
The hiss, the emphasis on the scabbards is fresh; but the sentence is a bit flabby.
“being removed” feels awkward
“filling the air” a bit unnecessary, to my ear
I think poetry will help hone your unique raw talents.
michael
Thanks for the feedback micheal. What I mean by the phrases 'the games kings call war' and 'puppets of our kingdom' is from the point of view of a king.. after all, a king is the one who initiates the war, and i used the simile game because it seems to me that for a king it is nothing more than that. Also soldiers are puppets in the hands of kings because they have sworn their allegiance to the kingdom and must obey all orders given to them.. Just clarifying
ReplyDeletehi wordsmith
ReplyDeleteah ok as it is phrased my brain read "the game kings call war" as the narrator's view that the battle was a game your phrasing is original - good!
the puppet image was clear and first-rate
have you heard the phrase "meat puppets"? always liked that one
thanks for your feedback
m