The clouds hovered like evil angels, something malevolent in the red from the rising sun. I'm no sailor, but the adage holds firm: red sky at morning.
The grand rising sun reflected its splendor to the serene oceanic waters giving the water a movement of still, evil redness. The red shimmer of the tranquil blue ocean is what commences daily.
Here I am, sitting in a small brown boat, writing out my thoughts and observations to the morning view before me.
The view is comparatively resembled as Monet’s exquisite painting; Impression: Sunrise. The focal red sun spreading its beam across the sky and reflecting its ray to the surface of the ocean. The morning sky blended in with the white angelic clouds and sharp rising redness. Though the image implies calmness, the real thing is mixed with a touch of turpitude coming from the distinct colour scheme equivalent to fire.
The view of the striking sun mixed with the original blue sky seems to represent the state of mankind. The evil gradient to the virtuous, the good colliding with the bad and the love clashing with hate of the daily world. The balance of earth can be contemplated through this striking view.
As time passes by the red surrounding fades to become a singular fireball lighting and wakening the earth. The sun lies there, still and calm but shining and radiant.
Thereafter a stretch of time, the fading of the fireball melts into the dark blue ceiling and is taken over by the sky’s lantern, bringing the earth to its state of slumber.
The view of the grand white moon opposes to the morning view, not only dark but as if the universe changed. There’s the glorious moon and little sparkles here and there, some shining more than others, some bigger than others and some so small you could hardly see them.
The view was similar to Van Gogh’s semi- abstract piece; ‘The Starry Night’. The dark blue sky with yellow circles and swirls representing the lights rays, the stars and focal moon give off.
As the hour arrives at the time of day once again, the procedure repeats; and so the clouds hovered like evil angels, something malevolent in the red from the rising sun. The adage holds firm: red sky at morning.
Hi Venice! Hope you’re doing well,
ReplyDeleteJust to start, this is a really great piece following the day, with some really evocative description and beautiful imagery.
This piece is unusual, in that there seems no story other than the day itself, and I feel this makes it more beautiful and picturesque. However, be careful with using words that seem purely poetic, such as “The evil gradient to the virtuous” as it becomes convoluted, and sometimes loses its beauty. I always felt that sometimes simplicity is the most beautiful thing. Also be careful with contradictions, such as “serene oceanic waters giving the water a movement of still, evil redness. The red shimmer of the tranquil blue ocean is what commences daily”, which sounds like you’re confused as to the colour of the ocean, and of its movement. However I love the use of colour in the piece, it makes everything so vivid and aesthetic.
I adore the way you have described the moon as “the sky’s lantern”, but be careful about clichés, such as comparing love and hate, which actually I don’t feel are as far apart as they are often made out to be. Comparing love and hate can often seem contrived and almost effortless (not in the way that it was easy for you, but in the way that you have put in little effort, which I’m positive is not true!). Saying that, the way that you describe them is grand and wonderful and almost redolent!
I would also be wary of comparing a nature scene to an impressionist painting. You are a talented writer, I’m sure your own description would be far superior to a mere comparison!
A brilliant cyclical narrative! Well done!
Kathryn
Well, Venice first of all sorry for the delay in posting – I was checking the site but I think your piece wasn’t labelled with your name, or the task, so I didn’t see it.
ReplyDeleteThis is an evocative piece of writing that moves in a very definite circle – although, it must be said, it’s not exactly a surprise when those lines come around again, as you’ve made the structure perfectly clear from the start. Thus, there is a serenity, a timelessness to the piece that is only partly contradicted by the language, the imagery and the artistic references you make. The image of the writer sitting in their boat, watching the whole day go by is a calming one.
The artistic references are a strong element, too. I like the contrast between Monet and Van Gogh, but I think you could have made more of the contrast in temperament between those two painters. Van Gogh’s ‘Starry Night’ is an intense, almost violent picture, and I didn’t get that from your description.
In terms of language, I enjoyed the use of contradiction and oxymoron. It’s a good effect, but doesn’t always work: “The red shimmer of the tranquil blue ocean” I liked a lot, but less so “a movement of still, evil redness” that comes just before it. ‘Shimmer’ and ‘tranquil’, and ‘red’ and ‘blue’ work better together than ‘movement’ and ‘still,’ in my opinion.
Also in language, beware of complexity: “sharp rising redness” is quite lovely, especially that alliteration, but ‘turpitude’ seems to stick out. It’s not a very common word, and its meaning – as opposed to evil or malevolent, which are fine – doesn’t sit very easily with the natural world. ‘Turpitude’ is a very human kind of badness.
“and little sparkles here and there, some shining more than others, some bigger than others and some so small you could hardly see them” is another line that works because of the simplicity of the language and the rhythm of the phrases. Good work!
Final small thoughts – some language needs fine-tuning: the sun doesn’t ‘reflect’ its own rays – it’s the ocean, or a mirror, that reflects them; “writing out my thoughts and observations to the morning view” – the ‘to’ isn’t quite right, you could write out your thoughts about the morning view, or for the morning view, but not, I think, to it. These are small points that will come more easily, the more you write, and the more you read. The imagination is clearly already there.
Thank you both for the feedback :)
ReplyDeleteI can definitely see what both of you mean when saying at times the language and word choice doesn't exactly fit, specifically when saying that simplicity sometimes works better. I'll keep working at it and for sure take the advice into consideration. Thanks!