The clouds hovered like evil angels, something malevolent in the red from the rising sun. I'm no sailor, but the adage holds firm: red sky at morning, red sky at dusk.
Now, Fog crept over the valley which let the air seem more unpleasant than before. It was the coldest this country had ever seen, and I had ever experienced. Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep.Through the forest I wandered. My hair was a fierce lion's mane, not washed for long and sticking out in every possible direction. I was stumbling on the edge of life, trying not to slip into the void of nothingness. I hadn't eaten, nor slept, nor spoken for days. The fog has lasted for a long time but now it was much worse than before. I could barely see and food was a hopeless need. The atmosphere changed again and in the blink of an eye the dubious, white smoke disappeared and the red sky with its evil clouds could be seen again.
Knowing that even if I were lucky enough to find meat, I did not have the strength to make the kill. All berries and fruits are frozen. Yes....I could set a snare, but that means waiting, so I'd have to settle down in order not to face the same verdict as the berries. Knowing that it was my only hope, I collected some wood and made a fire. I decided to set a snare and after accomplishing this I built myself a tiny shelter for the night. After I warmed up, I got some snow and melted it on the fire in my deer skin pouch. At least some drink! It gave me just enough energy to fall asleep.
Two days passed and the hole in my stomach was unbearable, as was the emptiness of the snare. By now, I did not mind hearing my own teeth chatter anymore, the noise grew my only companion. The third night it snowed. My toes had died by now, the frost was feeding itself on them. Then, at some point, I drifted into the world of dreams with no restrictions, somewhere between conscious and unconsciousness.
I dreamed that right in front of me was a beautiful stag with bigger antlers than my mind could have ever imagined. He could neither smell, nor hear me. Feeling the pain in my stomach, I did not marvel at this godlike creature any longer, but seized my bow, aimed and released. I watched the arrow flow with great speed-and hit the deer. He roared only for a moment and fell. With respect I approached the animal and whispered “sorry” as I started taking it apart with my knife. I had a bite, and another, and another! But my hunger just got worse. I kept eating until nothing was left. Still, the hole in my stomach did not shrink an inch. Desperately, I started crying as my energy left me.
For a second I woke from my strange dream and opened my eyes. The sun was glowing red as never before. Then my eyes closed themselves again. But I did not go back to my previous dream. No, I drifted in silence, until slowly I saw myself.
I was a child, slowly growing up. Everything that ever passed through my eyes repeated itself in front of me. I still drifted in the darkness. Now the image changed to something less blurry. The clouds hovered like evil angels, something malevolent in the red from the rising sun. I'm no sailor, but the adage holds firm: red sky at morning, red sky at dusk.
Hi Sydney,
ReplyDeleteI can see that I was right to be excited about reading more of your work, as this is some seriously promising writing. The thing I most admire about it is that you have an incredible clarity of place: there’s a real physicality to the story-world you create. I can see the grizzly sight of ‘the frost… feeding itself’ on the narrator’s toes, that deer skin pouch, that creeping fog. Your use of concrete, specific details makes this world feel real – I can almost reach out and touch it – and so, as a reader, I am more than willing to immerse myself in it. I particularly admire this quality as in the couple of years I’ve been moderating secondary schoolers’ creative writing one of the most frequent criticisms I’ve had to make is that the work produced is too abstract, too vague, with too little a sense of place. Very, very well done on your avoidance of this. On a side-note, the feel of your landscape reminded me of the work of David Almond. Have you ever read him? If not, I recommend you do so – he’s a fantastic author!
There are some lovely turns of phrase here. The whole third paragraph is strong, but ‘At least some drink! It gave me just enough energy to fall asleep’ is a brilliant ending, subtly showing (not telling) the reader just how exhausted the narrator is. ‘Everything that ever passed through my eyes repeated itself in front of me’ is a very elegant way of stating “my life flashed before my eyes”: you have a good way with putting a new twist on cliché.
However, because your writing is generally so clear and precise, it makes the imprecise patches stand out. I’ll just pick out a few examples, if that’s okay. ‘Fog… which let the air seem more unpleasant’? I think ‘made’ would be stronger. ‘Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep’ is vague – what ‘corner’ is it these creatures could be poking their heads around? Then, in the second paragraph, there’s a cliché (‘in the blink of an eye’), and a few instances of overwriting: ‘my hair was a lion’s mane’ is so good that it stands alone, rendering ‘fierce’ and ‘not washed for long’ unnecessary lexical clutter, ‘the void of nothingness’ is a little over the top, and ‘dubious… smoke’ seemed like a misuse of language, to me. In the future, look out for imprecision and for when lyrical writing turns into overwriting.
I can’t really make any big, overarching criticisms of this, though, as it is a very impressive work. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Hi Sydney,
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful piece of writing. I'm thoroughly impressed by your control, the vividness of your desciptions, and the way to seem to guage a reader's response to the story - that's alone a very special talent.
I loved the linking of images, like the empty stomach and the empty snare, and, similarly, the linking of the ending to the begining. You have a way of writing that evokes feelings through its connections - it's not something I could instruct you on, and I definately wouldn't want you to overthink connections in your work, but I hope you're very proud of what you've achieved with this.
The dream sequence felt right, which is good to see - often dream sequences go to far into fantasty or obvious representation - hitting that point where readers feel they're being manipulated and put the book down (or close the browser window - but yours felt like a dream, which is great, and had some powerful, lasting images in it too.
Sarah's already given you some great stuff to consider there - it's good not to overwrite, as she said - and you could also watch the tesne shifting in this instance 'Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep.'
But aside from that there's really nothing for me to do except register my admiration of your work here. Well done. I can't wait to read what you do next,
Andy
Thank you very much for those two comments. I was very glad to hear that this was a very good piece as it is sometimes quite hard for me to judge my own pieces, though I know stories like this are my strength, especially compared to poetry.
ReplyDeleteI will take those comments into consideration for my next task, as far as possible. I see the problem with 'Not a single creature will poke its head around the corner, they all are fast asleep.' Even through I read through the story a few times I did not notice the problem there!
I have never read anything by David Almond, but since I am looking for books at the moment anyway, I will take a look at that for sure.
Thank you again!