The sound of applause arose. I suddenly became aware of the moment. My mind returned back to the stage after disappearing into the world of music for a few minutes. I stood up and stared into the crowd that was clapping for me... And I saw her... She'd been there all this time, listening to me. I stared at her for a few seconds and smiled... Nothing could have made me happier at that moment...
All I ever wanted was for her to hear me play one more time; I wanted to see that image of her watching me play once more. I wanted to see her face in the clapping crowd again like I did when I was a kid. Years past after I had to say goodbye to her, but I still continued playing. I was continuing playing piano because of her; Because I knew she would want me to. She was the one who always incouraged me to play; The one who always sat there and listened to me while I played. I spent most of my time with her. She would tuck me into bed every night and tell me stories. She was always by my side...
The next performance took place. It had been a long time since my last performance. But so many things felt the same that night. I don't know why, but it felt as if history was somehow repeating itself. Apparently it was...
The sound of applause arose. I suddenly became aware of the moment. My mind returned back to the stage after disappearing into the world of music for a few minutes. I stood up and stared into the crowd that was clapping for me... And I saw her... She'd been there all this time, listening to me. I stared at her for a few seconds and smiled... Nothing could have made me happier at that moment...
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I really like the "The sound of applause arose. I suddenly became aware of the moment". It fits well with the beginning and the end. Even though I've liked all of your pieces, it is actually a lot easier to read without the many "..." but I like how you used it to go from "Apparently it was..." to "The sound of applause arose." because it fades the two paragraphs together.
ReplyDeleteGood job :)
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteAlthough not using Mr. S’s proffered story beginning is against the rules for this task, as you are still experimenting with a cyclical narrative – and being extra-creative, to boot! – I’ll let you off ;)
Your observation of emotion and of character’s internal psychology is good. I like your description of the way the music consumes our performing narrator: ‘the sound of applause arose (nice verb choice, by the way!). I suddenly became aware of the moment.’ The simple, concrete images you use to describe the narrator’s relationship to his/her – mother? his mentor? – are also effective: ‘I wanted to see that image of her watching me play once more. I wanted to see her face in the clapping crowd again like I did when I was a kid.’
However, I don’t know why you left the relationship of the narrator to the ‘she’ character ambiguous. I assume ‘she’ was the narrator’s mother, but why didn’t s/he call her that? Did you have a reason for doing this? Sometimes ambiguities mean your readers have to take an active part in constructing the story, and thus can be used to make them involved in your prose; sometimes, if it is too big an ambiguity, it can be confusing or distracting. In the future, think about what basic “facts” of the story need to be clear to your reader in order for them to follow your narrative.
I admire the fact that you tried something different and original with the time-frame of your story, but I was confused about its temporal placement; that is, when each paragraph is set, and what the chronology is. I *think* it’s something like this…
- First paragraph: present
- Second paragraph: past/childhood
- Third paragraph: ??? … not sure what ‘next’ and ‘last’ performance you’re referring to here!
- Fourth paragraph: back to the present
… but I’m not sure, and this is a problem. Although it’s fine to not have a straightforward chronology, you don’t want your readers to get totally lost as to when things are taking place. If they are too confused, they may stop reading! So make sure to have signposts to help guide your reader through your work.
Finally – to repeat my comments on your last task – I would like to see more experimentation with figurative language, as I think it would really spice up your work!
A good attempt; I look forwards to reading your next offering!
Sarah